Getting ready to do the '07 Shuffle

Just got done watching the vintage classic "The Super Bowl Shuffle" on YouTube. I think that when I have a son and he asks me to describe the culture of the 1980's, I'm just going to make him watch that clip. I feel that after watching that abomination he'll no longer have any interest in the decade.

Thing is, this week the media bonanza begins for the Super Bowl, and all of us here in the Midwest will be bombarded by Bears talk, Bears fans, and Bears sketches, both good (The Super Fans) and bad (the aforementioned Shuffle). As a Lions fan forced now to watch a second team from our division compete for a Super Bowl (after the Packers did it in '97 and '98), I'm none too happy about the coverage, because it just reminds us how much our team stinks.

What's lost in all this Bears-hub around here is that the Colts are competing as well. Earlier in the year my roommates and I were discussing which NFL team would be a reasonable choice to switch our loyalties to if we ever chose to go Benedict Arnold on the Lions. We decided the Colts made the most sense because they A.) Play in the AFC, B.) Are the team closest in proximity to us besides Chicago, C.) Have a 6'5 Quarterback with a laser rocket arm, and D.) Win games. Problem is that there are so many Chicago transplants and crazy people who were raised Bears fans that no one seems to give a crap about the Colts, which I guess in the end is OK, because we know who ESPN cares about...and it ain't Sexy Rexy.

So, I'm going to open up this week with my Super Bowl preview, before everyone accuses me of ripping off some of the 253,675 stories that are being written about the different subplots of the game. Before I get started, I have a hard time picking a clear winner from this game, so I might change my pick halfway through this column, but here goes:



Why I Think Da Bears Will Win:

-Defense wins championships. At least that's the cliche we've all bought into. I may be a young gun, but I still remember watching the 2001 Baltimore Ravens ride their defense all the way to a Super Bowl victory over a Giants team that put up 41 points on the Vikings in the NFC playoffs. And if I remember correctly, the big storyline was how bad of a quarterback Trent Dilfer was, and how the Ravens couldn't keep winning games with the offense scoring just 9 points. Sound familiar Rex Grossman? The thing with the Dilfer-Grossman comparison is, Sexy Rexy is a much better quarterback than Dilfer, its just that no one can tell this because of how badly he normally plays. Dilfer won games because he managed the game, didn't turn the ball over (therefore not putting his defense in a bad position), and hit open receivers when defenses stacked against the run. In his two playoffs games so far, Grossman hasn't turned the ball over too much, made a couple decent throws, and handed the ball to Thomas Jones/Cedric Benson. And guess what??? The Bears WON! There may be hope for Sexy Rexy yet...

-The Bears actually have some playmakers on offense. Chicago also mirrors '01 Baltimore in that they have a solid running game (though theirs is by committee, which at this point in the season is a luxury, considering everyone is so banged up), but Chicago actually has a much better passing game. Mushy Muhammed is a big, physical receiver, Berrian is a game breaker that Baltimore is still searching for, and Desmond Clark is a great tight end. Chicago is so well known for its D that the O-fence is overlooked a bit, but there is some talent on that side of the ball.

-Kyle "The Functioning Alcoholic" Orton. How can you bet against a team with a guy who started growing his playoff beard in July?? (mostly b/c he was too hungover to shave) I mean, forget Brian Griese, the Bears won 10 games last year with this kid, and he can't throw the ball farther than 35 yards.

-The Bears are way funnier than the Colts. Thanks mostly to the Super Fans (SNL classic), the Bears have a rich history of winning, and spawning hilarious comedy sketches. Peyton Manning has a rich history of choking, and spawning awkward commercials. Nuf said.



Why I Think The Colts Will Win:

-Peyton Manning is in the Super Bowl??? Wait a minute, what? I had my gushing love letter to Tom Brady written by halftime, and then all of the sudden, Peyton turns into John Elway and throws the monkey off his back with the greatest comeback in NFL playoff history. Now I have no idea what to expect, since that was the first big game Peyton has really won in his career. I mean, the dude is so good, and yet for so long I thought he just didn't have the cajones to win the big game. Now he's in the Super Bowl. I don't know whether to hand him the MVP right now or set the TiVo in anticipation for him to throw 5 interceptions and sit on the bench with the proverbial "Peyton Manning face" after he gets done yelling at his receivers.

-Never bet against a team with a chip on its shoulder. Enter the Colts defense. They sucked all year, and in fact they kinda still suck, but now they're playing with some fire. They got sick of everyone noticing that they sucked, and then pointing it out...and now they've decided to pick it up a bit. Bob Sanders coming back is a big plus, which is weird, b/c I never thought the addition of a 5'8 Free Safety with bigger cornrows that quadriceps would spark a team's run defense, but apparently I've been taking Crazy Pills. Also, never doubt a team that has more than one (Cato June, Marlin Jackson) former U of M player playing a significant role. Think it was just a coincidence that Marlin made the play that sent the Colts to the Super Bowl? Yeah, that's what I thought...

-In the new NFL, Offense wins games, and the Super Bowl is just one game. Since 1992, the team that won the Super Bowl has scored at least 20 points, and only 5 teams stayed in the 20's. Six teams scored in the 30's, two in the 40's, and Dallas put up 52 points in 1993. No one is winning these games 17-14. I mean geez, Baltimore scored 34 points in their 2001 Super Bowl win, which was about half their season total. The Colts don't have to try and figure out how to score points, they know how, and they will. The Bears have to worry about how to get their points on the board. Can they get to 28 (my magic number)? We'll see.


My Final Word:

Bears: 28, Colts: 24

Chicago will have to score on either defense or special teams, but their ground-based offense will give Indy problems. All Sexy Rexy has to do is hit Berrian deep on a couple play-action passes. Peyton is a great quarterback, but the Bears' defense will be able to contain the Colts enough to give their offense the necessary possessions to get some points on the board. First team to 28 wins. And it'll be Chicago.

Happy Birthday to The Greatest...I wish I knew thee...

Happy 65th to Muhammad Ali, arguably one of the greatest athletes of this century. A man who was a figure of massive stature both physically and in the folklore that surrounds his life.

More than a boxer, Ali was a character...a black man who stood tall against America during the civil rights movement, but also a man who openly dodged the draft. He became the first prominent Islamic-athlete when he changed his name from Cassius Clay. His jabs, his feet, and his mouth were faster and hit harder than anyone before him, and anyone ever since. He was The Greatest.

Or so I've heard.

At 22 years old, I can look back at the sports figures that I've grown up with and feel that I've seen some of the greatest players (Jordan, Barry Sanders, Roger Clemens to name a very few), watched some of the greatest teams (The Bulls and Lakers dynasties, the 2000's Patriots and 90's Cowboys, the Yankees 90's run, and the Red Wings dominance), and been witness so some of the greatest moments in sports history (Vince Young winning two Rose Bowls on the same play, Magglio Ordonez's home run to win the ALCS, the Red Sox 3-0 comeback, the Music City Miracle, and the Tyson-Holyfield fight).

But Ali is one man I feel that I truly missed and have no connection to at all. He retired 3 years before I was born, and ESPN classic didn't start carrying his old fights till about 8 years ago. I remember one day stumbling upon an Ali marathon, and I became enthralled by his moxy and charisma both in the ring and out. I laughed out loud when Ali gave Howard Cosell a tack hammer at the end of an interview, saying, "If we was ever to get into it, you gonna need that." My generation has been duped into believing Mike Tyson was the most fearsome and crazy boxer of our time, but this is because most of us never had a chance to discover The Greatest.

So now, on Muhammad Ali's birthday, I want to wish him well. Parkinson's has robbed him of his charm and flair, and because of that he is a phantom to my generation, a man who exists mostly in memory and sporting lore. Every person who considers himself a sports buff should make it a point to immerse themselves into the history of the man who once was Cassius Clay, now Muhammad Ali, and will always be The Greatest.

Mike Williams ruins Lion's draft before it begins...

It's all Mike Williams' fault.

Yeah, so Joey Harrington sucked. People have missed on quarterbacks before. So Chuck Rogers was a huge pothead. No one fell out of their chair with that revelation. And who can forget such fantastic draft choices like Aaron Gibson, Terry Fair, and Andre Goodman?

Ok, Ok, so the Lions have whiffed on a whole lot of draft picks.

But nothing has killed the rebuilding effort of this franchise like the Mike Williams pick. Williams' slide to #9 in 2005 and his subsequent selection changed the course of the franchise from bad to worse. The Lions had some light at the end of their tunnel before Mike Williams was picked, and then that light immediately was blocked out by BMW's lazy, fat a$$.

Heading into the 2005 draft, Matt Millen had momentarily removed his head from his butt and announced that the team would go with a defensive player with their 1st round pick. Everything was set for them to pick Texas linebacker Derrick Johnson, a solid player who would add depth and talent to a depleted and injury-prone unit. While an unspectacular pick, Johnson was the safe and correct choice. Everyone had Mike Williams pegged as going #7 to Minnesota, and Detroit fans thought nothing of it.

The draft day came, and all hell broke loose. The Viking picked Troy Williamson instead of Mike Williams, which was widely considered a reach (and still is, as it turns out that Williamson sucks too) and all of the sudden Mike Williams is sitting there for the Lions at #9. Matt Millen, who is no smarter than a below-average Detroit Lion fan (meaning he's completely retarded) got caught up in the whole "3 super-wideout set" idea and completely disregarded some glaring issues:

#1. This guy hasn't played football in a year, had one breakout season with USC (a semi-pro team playing in college), and Detroit had not brought him in for a workout (why? B/c we DIDN'T NEED A RECEIVER!)

#2. Joey Harrington sucks. No point in having 3 great wideouts if Joey can't throw them the ball. This point was exemplified by the fact that the Offensive Line sucked as well, meaning Joey's original suckiness was magnified.

#3. The NFL is not Fantasy Football. Even if you have an awesome group of wideouts, the fact that your QB, O-Line, D-Line, Linebackers, Cornerbacks, and Safeties all suck will catch up with you.

However, in typical Millen fashion he ignored these glaring issues, diverted from the original plan, and drafted BMW. And we all drank the Kool-Aid. People were dreaming of Joey turning it around...of Chuck and Roy and Mike shredding defenses. So what if other teams did the same to our defense? Joey and the boys will just out-score 'em. (DO YOU SEE HOW INSANE THIS WAS!?!?!?)

And so BMW arrived on the scene, overweight and overhyped. During his two-year career in Detroit, BMW has had about 47 undrafted free agent wideouts play ahead of him, and his defining moment as a Lion has been dropping a game-winning touchdown pass this season, ensuring that the Lions would get a top-2 draft pick that they could screw up this year.

The incredibly disappointing thing is, Mike Williams not only helped ruin the 2005 and 2006 season on the field, but he screwed the team over in their transactions. Think of how the '06 draft could have gone if Detroit had taken D. Johnson. They could've still drafted Ernie Sims if they wanted, setting up an awesome one-two punch of young stud backers...or they coulda picked Matt Leinart, who looks pro-ready and I think will pan out to be a solid NFL quarterback.

But no, because we didn't draft Johnson, Ernie Sims is the only solid linebacker in the stable, and Matt Leinart plays for the Cardnials. But at least we have Mike Williams! And guess what? He's back to ruin this year's draft as well!

I'm not going to deflect the blame from Matt Millen, who is the real reason behind this mess, but the Mike Williams pick was just the capper. Because Mike was the 2nd whiff on a 3-year span of drafting wide receivers, there is no chance in hell that the Lions can take Georgia Tech's Calvin Johnson #2 overall. Thing is, Johnson is a freak, a can't miss talent that Detroit desperately needs. But the media and public storm that would surround that selection makes it nearly impossible for Millen to take Johnson. And other teams know that, so Detroit will get lowballed by teams looking to trade up and grab Johnson or Brady Quinn (another player it looks like the Lions will be afraid to take). Everyone (myself included) wants the Lions to select Joe Thomas or Gaines Adams, but those players will be available later in the top-10. Why? Because Quinn and Johnson are franchise-caliber players. And because of their past draft gaffes, the Lions will be scared to take them.

So I guess all Lions have left is to hope that Mike Williams can pull it together and be a contributor to the team next year. That is if he doesn't get cut first. I hate Matt Millen so much....

New Year's Resolutions...

Hey, so I took an extended Christmas break...dealing with relatives, getting sweet gifts, and celebrating the season at every opportunity with friends took its toll.

Now that I've pulled the holly out of my hair and cleaned the eggnog stains (I assume that's what they are) out of the couch...it's time to dish out some resolutions...





University of Michigan:

-Shall resolve to actually win their last two games next year...I know it sounds hard, but 11-2 doesn't sit as well with us True Bluers when the season ends with consecutive losses to Ohio State and a Bowl game...especially to USC. If you're ever going to win another National Championship, you've got to learn how to close. Here's a hint: at the end of the season...there's a lot of tape out there on you. And it doesn't help that Lloyd Carr runs the most predictable offense in the history of mankind. So mix it up a bit Lloyd. And speaking of which...

-Shall resolve to hire the BEST MAN for the job after Lloyd retires (yes, he will) after his contract is up next year. When I say Best Man, I mean most qualified candidate, not the candidate who is the most inbred into the "Michigan Man" system. Bo has passed, Ron English is not ready to become a head coach...Please, Please, PLEASE make up with Cam Cameron and bring him back!

-Shall resolve to teach Chad Henne how to throw on the run. Start with something simple, like chewing gum and walking at the same time. There's no reason for Chad to fire passes three feet short to wide open receivers just because he had to take two steps to the right.


Detroit Tigers:

-Shall resolve to stay hungry. Since you're no longer underrated and overlooked, it's time to step up the game another whole notch. I know the team overachieved all season, but please don't blow all this momentum by falling into the middle of the pack for a few seasons before returning to the bottom of the American League. And on a personal note, since you made so much stinkin money on this past season, maybe set up the media with some complementary food items. I know you have a 162-game season, but come on, throw us a bone. Or at least a hot dog.


Detroit Pistons:

-Shall resolve to get it done this year. Miami has faded, Chicago and Orlando are not yet ready. New Jersey and Cleveland are fatally flawed. If we could just recreate some of that us-against-the-world mentality that carried the 2003 team, we'd be alright. My guess is if it happens, it will kick in after the All-Star break, when Detroit becomes the first team to go from having 4 All-Stars in one year to having none the next. Watch it happen...and watch it piss the team off all the way to the Finals.


Detroit Lions:

-Shall resolve to become the first team in league history to allow their fans to choose their first round draft pick by popular vote. I mean, Lions fans have suffered so greatly, they deserve a chance to actually care about the team. The guy would instantly become the team's most popular player, cause he would be "our guy". And as karma would have it, he'd go to the Pro Bowl his first year, just to show that the half-drunk factory worker who voted online at 2am for which player to choose still knows more about football than Matt Millen.